 Betty paused a moment as her eyes filled with tears before she answered the question of why she and her husband were still happily married after twenty years. “He is my best friend,” she said. “I feel closer to him than anyone.” Betty went on to describe what accounted for this feeling of closeness
“I can talk with him about anything,”, “One of the times I felt closest to him was early in our marriage when I told him about the time I was sexually molested when I was a little girl.
“This experience was a load I had carried inside me for a long time; it had even affected our sexual relationship.
“I poured out my heart and anger to him that evening, fifteen years ago. I gave him all the ugly details, things I had never shared with anyone else. 1 cried until no more tears were left. I remember how he held me close and whispered to me over and over that it was all right. He said it did not have to hurt us all these years later and that I could let it go now. He then reassured me that the sexual assault was not my fault, and that I should let the bad feelings go.
“We talked until the early hours of the morning” 1 felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt closer to him at that time than I had ever felt with another human being.”
And, of course, there have been many other experiences of closeness in Betty and John’s marriage.
This experienced something we all long for-intimacy! Such intimacy is closeness between two people enveloped by an atmosphere of deep caring and commitment.
Would you like to have more intimacy in your relationship? You may certainly experience more special moments of intimacy in your marriage just as surely as the dawn follows night if you understand the nature of intimacy and the principles that foster it.
Intimacy is complete closeness with another. Intimacy means knowing all about your partner in many areas of life. What are his preferences in food, clothes, recreation, and work? What are her dreams and goals for life? What causes his mind to race with creative ideas? What fills her heart with joy (or grief)?
Complete closeness also means sharing many parts of life, working together, playing together. It is being partners, companions, best friends, and lovers. It means having “two hearts that beat as one.” Marital intimacy is discovering the essence of yourself through emotional, social, intellectual, and physical union with your partner.
To experience the essence of yourself in your marriage, the environment in the relationship must be right. If we know the nature of that environment, we can be more successful in creating intimacy in your relationship.
THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT
Just as a garden needs warm sun and rain to grow, a marriage must have the right kind of conditions in the environment, for it to flourish.
Lets consider just 4 critical principles needed in marital environment to nurture intimacy
-TRUST
Jean just discovered that her husband has been having an affair for the past year, at first, she was shocked. And later felt like a fool,. The affair had been going on for about eight months before she found out from one of her friend. She confronts him, and he says he is sorry, he will call it off and that it will not happen again. “But I don’t really believe him. Obviously, he has lied about
Other things” she said.
“This has changed a lot about our relationship,” she continued. “We don’t talk as much as we used to. I don’t enjoy being around him.
“Our sexual relationship has certainly been damaged, “I just don’t feel comfortable sharing myself with him, emotionally or sexually. The bottom line is that I don’t trust him.” Jean’s example Illustrates how a lack of trust spills over into every area of a relationship. When you don’t trust someone you feel uncomfortable, a little insecure, and defensive with that person. You are uncertain that this person is for you or will “do right” by you.
Therefore, you feel as though you have to be on guard. Unfortunately, just as in Jean’s marriage, many husbands and wives mistrust each other and are uncertain together. Such conditions make it impossible for true intimacy to develop.
Trust is a major characteristic of intimacy and a successful and enduring marriage relationship.
“Jeannette has always been honest with me’ said Peter, her husband. “She doesn’t play mind games.
“I know that if I tell her anything of a confidential nature she will not repeat it. It means a lot to me that I can depend on her. Another woman said “My husband is one hundred percent for me”. I can count on him to be there.
It is easier to trust when there is a reason for doing so. We can successfully increase the level of trust in marriage by understanding that we will have a higher degree of trust in someone when:
- Trust and confidentiality have not been violated.
- That person’s attitudes and actions toward us indicate that he or she is for us and will “do right” by us.
- That person is emotionally supportive to us and is interested in promoting our well-being.
- There is an absence of exploitation or manipulative behaviour.
- That person’s behaviour is honest, sincere, genuine, and consistently real.
- That person expresses acceptance of us rather than rejection.
To be continued.
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For the past 50 years of Nigeria's independence, it has groped in darkness with little or no sign of change. Quite unfortunately, and surprisingly too, a high percentage of Nigerians have allowed themselves to be fooled several times by forces of confusion and treachery.
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